A Peaceful Home (an exerpt from my 11/3/11 MOMentum talk)

Lastly, we come to fostering a peaceful home.  I would encourage you to pray for wisdom to see what is causing any strife in your home.

I’m sure that you are all familiar with the Duggar family – Michelle and Jim Bob have 19 children and they have a TLC and Discovery Channel reality TV show called 17 Kids and Counting then 18 Kids and Counting. Well, they have written several books that are just so inspiring.  One is called The Duggars: 20 and Counting and then another called A Love that Multiplies.  While the TV shows were neat to watch, the books really show the Duggar’s hearts for God and for others.  They share an intimate look at how they love and manage such a large family.  None of the family members are perfect and conflicts do arise but Michelle and Jim Bob share how they teach conflict resolution.

For conflicts between children, Michelle says that they do not just have the offender say “I’m sorry”.  She says that she asks the child what he or she did wrong and let’s the child answer.  Then she asks them what they should have done.  Then the child is instructed to say “I’m sorry for ‘such and such offense’, I was wrong, will you please forgive me?”  Then the hurt child has the opportunity to forgive the offender.  It helps the children learn about empathy – how the other child feels.  And it reinforces that we need to ask forgiveness, not just say “I’m sorry”.

The other bit of wisdom that I learned from the Duggar’s books is that I need to watch the tone of my voice when I am speaking to my children and my husband.  I admit that it can be easy for me to have an annoyed tone when someone comes to me and asks me for something when I am in the middle of doing something else.  What I realized is that my children started to answer me in an annoyed tone when I would ask them for something.  It was very humbling when my husband pointed that out to me.  So, in the book, Michelle shares that she has given her permission to her children to gently put their hand on her arm if they sense that her tone of voice is angry or annoyed.  This reminds Michelle to change her tone and her attitude while talking to or correcting her children.  This is a great way to keep yourself in check.  Just don’t get annoyed when a little hand is placed on your arm while you are correcting your children.

I can attest that it does pay off to model the behavior that you want your children to have.  We have been complimented many times that our children are thoughtful and kind and I attribute that to the fact that my husband and I consistently treat each other well in words and in actions.  Children really do imitate those whom they are around the most.  I love this poem by Dorothy Law Nolte called:

“Children Live What They Learn”

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.